Adventures in Advertising
An open letter to Alpina USA
PO Box 2363
Ketchum ID 83340
Oct 26, 1994
Dear Folks at Alpina USA,
Congratulations! Your company has won this year's annual Golden Testicle Award from us gals who appreciate truly eye catching advertising in the cycling media, and marvel at its efficacy in alienating a particular market niche - the 51% called women.
Your ad, featuring a golden-tressed lass of the unhelmeted persuasion (we know she is on a wind trainer, so we shan't nag about helmet safety!) bent over time-trial "freddy bars", gazing into the eyes of the reader, no make that gawker. Her hair glows from the lamp behind her head. The text invites the reader to TAKE ANOTHER LOOK. At her generous bosom, nestled in a low-cut black halter top. In an informal study conducted here at WOMBAT central, in Fairfax CA, the length of time between the moment a woman reader grasps the ad concept and the moment her nostrils emit a loud snort, paired with a measurable upward roll of the eyes, was 0.9 seconds.
The gals are quick judges with sharp memories. It is our guess that your Oakley-knockoffs have made a powerful market mad. We predict you won't be in business too long, unless you go back and figure out what people who cycle - not just hetero men who cycle - are looking for. At least Oakley, while doing nothing to cater to the women's market, is doing nothing to denigrate women, either.
The Silver Testicle goes to Cycle Ops ("A Wet Dream") fluid-trainer.
The Bronze goes to Selle Royale's Ergo Gel saddle with its Crotch Fear motif.